My kids continually surprise me in wonderful ways (and a musing on parenting)

Connor has always been...not a difficult kid...but a challenging one. He is pretty easy going til you hit a streak of stubborn, and that I tell you is like drilling granite. Read about the World War II beaches of Normandy reenactment it took to get him potty trained and you will feel my pain!

For about a six month stretch, he had no go areas where he fought for control with me. Hair washing. Teeth brushing. Hair cutting. Doctor visits. Potty training. One by one, we knocked them down with firm limits, wise punishments, a fair amount of exasperation and loads of praise and positive reinforcement when he finally gave in to the inevitable. We have all but hair cuts conquered. Imagine my apprehension then when I had to add a first dentist visit.

I knew he was due for his first cleaning soon, and when he fell while running and chipped a small piece off his tooth, I figured sooner rather later was in order. I found a great pediatric dentist here in Manassas called Dr Kakar and made an appt for today. The staff was lovely...obviously great with kids...and Dr. Kakar himself did everything possible to make Connor comfortable. I had done a little prep work: got a book about dentist visits by Mercer, talked about the dentist looking at his pretty teeth and counting them, and how I was so excited he was going to the dentist so he could earn a treat by cooperating. We did a tense preschooler negotiation (I thought he was going to call in union reps) and we settled on a milkshake as a good dentist compliance treat. Probably not what the dentist has in mind, but you gotta go with what works.

Dr. Kakar was very patient and showed him all the instruments and the gloves, counting fingers and all that. He also brilliantly let Connor watch an older boy get his teeth examined and showed him a little girl who earned stickers for completing her exam calmly. Dr. Kakar and his assistant (who had a beautiful lilting Trinidad accent) did a great job at putting him at ease. He very willingly let the dentist count his teeth, inspect them and do a quick cleaning and fluoride treatment. He earned three stickers and a tooth brush, and I made an enormous deal of how grown up and mature he was about it, trying desperately to hide my delighted surprise at how wonderful he was. We headed off to the nearest McD's playground, upping the reward to playground playtime and a Happy Meal as an "I'm so proud of you" gift. After earning a rare lollipop for a fantastic doctor visit on Tuesday, this kid is sitting pretty on the treat front and will probably try to ask for appts just to earn the elusive lollipop/milkshake combo again.

There's a lot of angst among moms about the advisability of these kind of treats for compliance. One school of thought counts this as bribes. Well, sure there's something to that. Sometimes children should do what they're told because it's the right thing to do and they know it, absolutely. But I feel like when a child is doing something new, something in which expectations are more than they have had to give before, a treat for rising to meet those expectations is in order. After all, if you go above and beyond your usual level of performance at work, you earn praise, accolades, even bonuses, right? Everyone wants a pat on the back, the "milkshake" when they reach beyond their comfort zone and do well. I think this has a flip side as well. Never ever promise a treat that you're not willing to withhold if expectations are not met. Case in point: Connor loves this little merry go round ride at the local mall. We went to take his three year pics there, and I promised that if he behaved during the pics, I would let him ride the merry go round. He acted up, refusing to behave, and generally acted like a pill. So I had Pop carry him out to the car sans ride which caused a nuclear meltdown that put Three Mile Island to shame. He HAD to understand that there were consequences to his choices and that was a bad choice. When he calmed down, I explained that he had had two choices: behave and earn the treat, or misbehave and earn disapproval and go without. Connor generally is wise enough to act the pragmatic part and realize that expectations met equal good things showering down upon him. After all, this mama didn't raise no fool! Can we hope the same method might work for a haircut?

Soon all these things will not earn treats because he's grown beyond the trepidation that once necessitated a little extra incentive, and we'll attach some new motivator to something else. When we were kids, my brother and I lived for the quarterly "I get to pick a special dinner" award for good grades. We earned a great allowance (and learned budgeting) for doing our duties around the house, and could earn extra for doing especially hard or dirty jobs. Mom and dad always had little celebrations for any milestones worthy of the name - acing exams, advancing in Scouts, earning a scholarship, getting into college - but never rewarded us for being demanding little jerks. THAT is a bribe in my book -- the "okay have the candy just so you'll shut up and stop nagging me" Snickers. We knew much better than to nag; nagging was a one way ticket to bug eyed irate mom and a guaranteed way to kiss a prized treat or outing goodbye.

Well, anyway, I have two sleeping kids that need extensive cuddles...